The Elephants in the Room: Whose are they, anyway?
We’ve all heard the phrase “the elephant in the room” that big, heavy thing that everyone knows is there, but nobody wants to mention. Usually, we think of it as one single problem. But the more we work on our own self-awareness, the more we realise that a room can actually be quite crowded with elephants.
Recognising Your Own Herd
As we start to get to know ourselves more deeply, we begin to spot our own elephants. These are the “parts” of our history, our old survival strategies, our attachment blueprints, and the things we haven’t quite processed yet. When we walk into a room, we don’t always walk in alone; we bring our herd with us.
Is That My Elephant or Yours?
The real shift happens when we start to notice the interaction in the room. Sometimes, you might feel a sudden weight or a “felt sense” of unease and think it’s yours. But by minding the gap and paying attention to your nervous system, you might start to ask:
- Did I bring this elephant in with me?
- Is this someone else’s elephant that they aren’t ready to look at yet?
- Or are both our elephants currently reacting to each other?
When Elephants Collide
Often in relationships, it isn’t just two people talking; it’s two sets of old patterns, two herds of elephants interacting. If someone else’s elephant is taking up all the space, you might find yourself “bending over backwards” to fit around it, losing sight of Becoming You in the process.
Clearing the Space
Clearing the space starts with respecting autonomy, both yours and theirs. It’s the realisation that you don’t have to “manage” the other person’s elephant to be safe or okay.
When we notice our own state, whether we have brought elephants with us or, more importantly, haven’t brought any with us, the room suddenly feels much larger. We can see more clearly then how others’ wounds and parts are interacting with ours. This awareness is the beginning of changing how we respond to them.
By letting their elephants be theirs, we help ourselves stay present with someone else without becoming consumed by their herd. We finally have the room to tend to our own.
If you would like to chat about how my counselling and coaching services in Dorset can support your unique path, please get in touch to arrange an informal chat.